Afterthought (2015)

I’m not sure if I locked the door.

I was in such a rush out of the house that I don’t really remember. It would have been easy to forget. And we live in such a bad neighborhood—well, I think we do. Kevin says there’s nothing to worry about. But if I could just go back and check.

Although, if I could, there’s a lot of things I would like to do, things I wish I had done differently. I think I’d already started going over some of them as I drove away, pushing the gas pedal into the floorboard. I’d needed to get out of there, but once you’re on the road there’s only so much you can think about. The speed gave me some release.

I wish that I had told William that I loved him when I dropped him at his friend’s house this morning. He’s still so young, and it was only a temper tantrum, really. But leaving him there for the day, somewhere between anger and sulking, left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I wish I had made Kevin sell his gun. We’d argued about it so many times, as with so many things. I wasn’t happy having it under the same roof as William. But Kevin insisted it was nothing to worry about. That it was safe in our closet. Eventually the marriage counsellor, Sheila, recommended we try to put aside such arguments while we focused on the bigger issues in our relationship. I wish I hadn’t listened. Or at least removed the bullets. I had meant to.

I wish I’d broken the affair off. Or, perhaps that I never got married, although, William… No, I should have broken the affair off, at least put it on hiatus. I forgot my cell when I went to drop William off. Caroline sent me a text while I was out and, looking at it later, I could see how it wouldn’t have been too hard for Kevin to deduce what was going on. He’d been sitting on the bed, my phone beside him, the gun in his hands and his gaze trained upon it. He didn’t look up when I came in. I wish I’d not forgotten my phone.

I don’t really remember what happened exactly. I know my arm got bruised. Some of my hair torn out. And there was a gunshot. Kevin was sprawled on the ground. Then I was rushing out of the house. Would Sheila understand and fight for my corner? Perhaps I could go to Caroline’s.

I wish I’d told William I loved him. I wish I’d sold that gun. I wish I’d remembered my phone. I wish I’d checked the brakes last week. I wish I’d seen the deer earlier. I wish there weren’t so many trees around here.

“Yes, that’s all very well,” said a bored voice that sounded like a spade dragged over concrete, “but you don’t need to worry about all of that anymore. What is done is done. Come along, now.”

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