Hello! I am changing my name to Faefyx (or Fae or Fyx for short). [Pronounced Fay-Fix]
Why?
I am non-binary and use they/them pronouns. Having a distinctly gendered name leads people to make certain assumptions about me, and interact with me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. This can be as benign as addressing me as “sir” or “mister” (terms I have other issues with, but that’s a discussion for another time), or can take the form of more entrenched expectations of behavior and appearance that can result in people acting poorly towards me when I do not meet those expectations.
I’ve never met someone called Faefyx before…
I’d be surprised if you had! (Let me know if you have, I’d be fascinated to know about them). I created this name for myself. There are very few gender neutral names: Sam, Alex, maybe Chris. But even these have certain leanings towards one gender or another, their cultural meaning may change over time, and are often just the same abbreviated form of different gendered names that run the risk of people expecting to find out your “real” gender by getting your unabbreviated name. By creating a name of my own, I hope to leave behind the gendered preconceptions of my name, and also use a name that I think represents me more accurately.
But what about work? Won’t you find it harder to find a job with an unusual name? Hiring managers are often prejudiced against them.
This might be true. And that sucks. I wish the world were different and I hope that one day it will be. I hope that being honest about who I am and choosing the name that genuinely represents me will take us an extremely small step closer to that day when things are different.
But when it comes down to it, this question becomes “how does being open about your gender affect your job prospects?” to which I pose the counter question “how does keeping my identity secret from many people and living a lie affect my life around and inside my job?” Trying to ignore who I am has not worked for me, but having supportive friends and co-workers has made me feel better than I could have imagined. It might make it harder for me to get a job in some fields and industries. But at the end of the day, if the hiring manager is going to trash a resume because it has a strange name on it and not give me a chance, then that was going to be a toxic place for me to work anyway. If there is that little acceptance in a workplace, how is it going to be when I have been hired and insist upon correct pronouns and eschew the use of gendered honorifics? Again, I have tried just gritting my teeth and letting people call me what they think I should be called, and it has not helped my mental or emotional wellbeing.
When I apply to a job, one of the things that I spend time doing is vetting them to see how they treat LGBT+ people: do they hire them, support them, work with charities and non-profits, etc., all to make sure that it will be a safe place for me to work. If I have missed something in vetting them, and they want to save me the trouble of working in an exclusionary environment by simply excluding me to begin with, so be it.
At the same time, I want to be in a position to feel like I can speak openly about LGBT+ issues, both in the world of social media, and in my professional work. Having a name that might help indicate that I’m not just a straight cis guy shouting about shit they don’t understand might actually be a boon. And there are hiring managers out there who would like to hire people who know what they are talking about with these issues and who can speak with some authority on this lived experience. Representation is important, it is what can lead to a world where people don’t have to write these paragraphs about how their name change will affect their job prospects. Not everyone can be open about who they are at the risk of their wellbeing. I am in a moderately privileged position where I will be okay, so I feel that there is an onus on me to be honest and open rather than continuing to hide.
It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. The name will give me a little more baggage to carry in some ways, but I’ve been carrying baggage related to gender for most of my life and few have seemed concerned about that baggage. If this rucksack can help me be misgendered just a little bit less often, then I’ll take it.
Will you change your name legally?
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but as it stands I have no plans to change my name legally. While I intend to use Faefyx on every social media platform, workplace, public setting, and document that I can without that legal change, I don’t intend on taking that last step for the time being.
Why? Is it because I’m not certain about my name? No. It is for the same reason that putting an “X” in place of gender for non-binary individuals on passports would be a bad idea. It would give the government, along with any random official that wanted to, a reason to cause me problems (for example, an immigration agent in an airport can choose to refuse me entry for pretty much any reason they want to claim, and I could theoretically end up deported for any minor infraction such as running a stop sign). I’m an immigrant living on a permanent visa in a foreign country. While it will be some years until I need to get that renewed, I will eventually. Given the way that both the UK and the US are moving on trans rights, I’m not in a rush to put myself on a list of people they can hunt down or discriminate against.
Paranoid? Maybe. With cause? I think so.
Well, if that’s what you want, I guess I’ll use it. But it’ll take some getting used to and I’ll get it wrong for a while.
I know. Every trans person knows this. The important thing is that you are trying and that it doesn’t take you too long. Here are some links that might be useful while navigating this time:
How to React After Accidentally Misgendering Someone
How to Do Better at Getting New Pronouns Right
What Does It Mean to Misgender Someone
We also discuss gender and my gender identity in episode 5 of Unramblings where we discuss The “Left Hand of Darkness” by Ursula K. Le Guin.