The duplicity of the American use of language knows no ends. I’ve ranted on here before about Guinness and tomatoes, and this is certainly in the same vein. However, given not only the magnitude of the disappointment perpetrated by this particular issue, but also the repeated occurrences in which I forget that it is a thing and make the same mistake again, I feel that it requires its own post.
I talk, of course, of what the Americans call “Coffee Cake.” Growing up in the UK, I would go to cafes and regularly see coffee cake, and it was a particular favorite of mine. Why, then, do I hate American coffee cake so much? The British coffee cake is, as one might expect, a cake flavored with coffee (my American audience can probably see where this is going at this point). A moist sponge cake, filled with coffee, and then a rich icing, also filled with coffee. Perfection. Most things, I would suggest, should be filled with coffee. The touch of often adding walnuts is just the cherry on top (okay, not a good choice of analogy, but never mind).
Which brings us to what the Americans consider “Coffee Cake.” Imagine my (repeated) surprise as I enter a café (I’d love to say it’s usually a cool independent place, but to be honest it’s usually just a Starbucks near to my mechanic while I’m waiting for my car to be fixed), order a nice coffee and, why yes, a treat! A slice of cake! I see, listed there “Coffee Cake.” “One slice, please,” I say—after all, it is my favorite!
I settle down, pull out my book, or start work on my tablet, reach over to pull my cake from its bag and…what’s this? This slab of cake is not the moist sponge I expected (I really can’t reiterate enough that this happens regularly, and I forget every time). I take a bite. Perhaps, while different, the pleasing coffee flavor will still prevail. But no. I taste…cinnamon? And…sugar? Don’t get me wrong. I love cinnamon and sugar, but it was not what I had desired when I had ordered my favorite cake.
In confusion, I check in with my American friends. “Ah, no,” they say, “coffee cake does not contain coffee you fool! It is merely eaten with coffee!” I feel betrayed. The nation that runs on coffee has failed to include it and I am bewildered. I try to explain to my friends but am met with blank stares.
This is patently ridiculous, and America should clearly sell this as “Cinnamon Sugar Cake,” and include a genuine coffee cake on all of their café menus. To be eaten with coffee. Ridiculous. It would be as foolish as the Brits having a treat that contained no tea but was perhaps intended to accompany tea and they went ahead and called them tea cakes!
You know what… never mind….
Delicious, but notably lacking in tea…
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